Can a math equation predict the future of your relationship?
These love doctors say 'yes.'
If you have ever heard of the Gottmans then you probably have heard how they are known as the love doctors. They work together as researchers and therapists while being married over thirty-five years themselves. They gave us The Four Horseman. For some providers, they were featured in couples counseling videos shown in required classes. My local news station recently interviewed the Gottman couple. The Gottmans report,
"When people were quarantined together some of them really connected at a deeper level, really got closer. The good relationships got better but the bad relationships got much worse,” says Dr. Julie Gottman.
Their more recent findings state, “What we discovered was that you could predict, with very high accuracy, the future of a relationship just by looking at the way couples talk to one another and what was going on physiologically in their bodies,” says Dr. John Gottman.
So, what's the secret sauce? Love, they say, is a practice, an action if you will. This is where the work part comes in. Look for what your partner is doing right, rather than wrong, and thank them for it.
Skip the grand gestures and go for small things often. And when your partner bids for your attention, turn toward them.”
Check out more on this by Rena Sarigianopoulos Published: 8:30 PM CST February 14, 2023.
My personal interpretation of the Gottman’s findings is that the partner who “bid,” or turn into their partner more than their partner is what delays the inevitable. If a person is not responding to your messages, lacks empathy, and/or lacks expressing their own emotional journey, than they are not turning toward their partner. They aren't attending to their partner’s “bid.”
I wonder if it's possible for highly anxious individuals or anxiously attached peoples to bid more often than their counterpart. I also wonder if it would be vise versa for avoidantly attached folx. They would attend less to their partner because they struggle with connection. They may be extremely self-reliant, have trouble feeling and/or expressing emotion, or leave or avoid conflict.
Either way, it appears that that the Gottmans prove how much love is an act. Love can be a feeling and an act that each partner can attempt to do every day. Whether it be a simple hug or kiss when they enter the door. Or for long distance couples, a phone call or responding back as best as you can.
What are your thoughts?
